Sunday, September 8, 2013

Contraceptives are useless

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for a vasectomy. My reasons are numerous and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm method". Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning.

A doctor suggested we use the "safe period", at the time we were living with the in laws and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown", but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the "Sheath". The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.

She was then supplied with the "Coil", and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The "Dutch cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is not successful, I will have to revert to Oral Sex although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully

Ivor Bollockoff

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