Saturday, January 30, 2010

Offensive jokes-Look terrible and smell bad

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell bad."

He replied, "I don't know what you mean, I felt great." The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell really bad." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.

The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell really bad." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked and smelt so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible, and smell really bad." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible, and smell really bad, but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "smells bad" and then the sub-subsection "feels great". The doctor said,
"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, smells bad, but feels great'.

The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"

The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a cunt."

Friday, January 29, 2010

Short jokes-Pay more

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they`re driving.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Nasty jokes-Dont let this happen to you

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you , and that's when you remember: You've been listening to your iPod.

Dark jokes-Witch craft

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the
Forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, `will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 Inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . And for the last time, NO!"

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Funny jokes-Healthy sperm

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.

Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"

A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the others.

Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered, "It's a blow job!"

Monday, January 25, 2010

Adult jokes-Old age pensioners

Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can't carry on."
"That’ll be my arthritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
No she says "It’s in my arms and hands... and I can’t wipe me arse."

Dark jokes-Last respects

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.

"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dark jokes-Woman tied to the tracks

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender.
"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made …. All night, all over the house. We did everything;!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head."

Nasty jokes-The Spittoon

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down! I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

Adult jokes-Fat boy

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a eating it."
Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."
Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a?"
Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"

Sunday, January 3, 2010

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